Boys 2 Men
Why We Need Manhood Rituals
Quick Summary
When did you become a man?
Rites of passage that allow young males the chance to prove they were ready for manhood and be accepted as men are needed by society
The lack of rituals has left generations of men uncertain to where they stand
Uncertainty leads to a lot of negative application of the masculine energy
How Did You Know When You Were A Man?
Genuinely, when did you become a man?
Stop reading right now. Really try to think about it.
Can you identify a time where you knew you were a man? Did you come up with items like:
Enlisted in military
Had sex for first time
Purchased my first car/motorcycle/house
Religious ceremony (ie- bar mitzvah, confirmation, etc.)
Were married
Had children
Does that mean if someone didn’t serve, is waiting for marriage, and lives in a city where they rent and walk everywhere, they aren’t a man? It is clear society doesn’t have an agreed on task that transitions a boy into manhood.
Manhood Rituals
Communities have long had manhood rituals a boy needed to conquer to be considered a man.
The Maasai tribe in Kenya required a boy to kill a lion with only a spear as part entering manhood. That requires a tad bit more bravery than that time you swatted that bee that was buzzing around your girlfriend.
The Satere-Mawe in the Amazon need to put their hand in a bullet ant glove and withstand stings for 10 mins without making a sound to be men. That is a bit more daunting than when you had that really big splinter. I am sure it was huge and in there really deep.
The Spartans took boys away from home and trained them from 7 to 18 in special warrior schools. The Spartan graduation party involved stealthily killing slaves without being caught. Your high school graduation was probably a little different.
South Pacific Vanuatu tribe jump from rickety towers, head first, with vines around their ankles in what must be top 5 least safe bungie jumping rituals, somewhere after Big Al’s Discount Bungie off I495.
Numerous societies had rituals with some sort of hallucinogens, poisons, beatings, and adult circumcision as part of it.
However, the goal of all of these different rituals were the same. Take the masculine energy and direct it towards a task. It removed any ambiguity and doubt of when a boy became a man. You didn’t need to try and prove yourself with ridiculous risky stunts. There wasn’t a question. You were a boy and could do childish things one day. Then you went through the ritual, and were now a man. Society recognized you as a man. And Society expected you to act as a positive male member of the community. There was no wasted energy trying to act in ways you thought proved your manhood.
So I ask again, when did you become a man?
Boys To Men
I was introduced to the question of manhood in 2007. I picked up a book from a weightlifting website. I was a few dollars short of hitting the free shipping threshold and the book was the right price. It ended up being the most influential book I read (and yes I have read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and many other common recommendations).
However, I was around the age of 20 and in college. I had no idea how beneficial this book would be to me. So the book sat next to the crapper for months before I opened it during one very long hungover poop. Atomic Dog is a collection of 45 standalone short 5 page posts. All are great and also perfect bathroom reading length. Each is a different take on what being a man is.
As I sat on the throne, I didn't know I was going to be introduced on an entirely refreshing take on manliness and testosterone. To this day I don't know if it was luck that I needed another $6 in my cart to save $20 on shipping. Or luck that it ended up under a bunch of nudie mags in the bathroom. Or that drinking a bottle of red stag whiskey leads to notoriously long dumps. But that morning, on that toilet, the stars aligned and I started reading a book that would reframe my view on manhood.
The one article that has stuck with me for the last 14 years, was about boys becoming men. The article talks about the pent up frustration of young men who are full of masculine energy. You want to produce, protect, take risks, test your limits and prove you are ready to be a man. But modern society frowns on these risky traits. Hell, society has made terms like "toxic masculinity" and applied them to many of the characteristics that were traditionally manly.
Modern society also doesn't tell young men what they need to do in order to be seen as a man in the community. This leaves many young men frustrated, confused, and angry. You don't know what to do, and every time you follow your instincts you are told it is toxic. This is many posts of future material.
If you were like me, the last 2 paragraphs resonate with you. You did all the typical things in your teens and 20s - girls, cars, motorcycles, fights, sports, lifting weights, taking ridiculous risks - yet you didn't feel like a man. Society certainly didn't start treating you as man either and you had no idea how to change it. You felt anger, frustration, confusion and a gnawing anxiousness.
How much risky behaviors did you pursue trying to prove you were a man? Don't you think having a set event that made it official would have allowed you to not search out your own forms of 'proof'?
History of Teenagers
Did you know the idea of 'teenager' is relatively new? The concept of teenager was invented post WW2.
Before the 1940s kids where children who helped around the homestead, then at 10-14 went to paying jobs, apprenticeships, or took over part of family business. There was not an extension of adolescence.
The New York Times largely introduced the concept of 'teenager' in 1945 with "A Teen-age Bill of Rights". Culturally, the 1955 movie James Dean movie "Rebel Without a Cause" pushed the stereotypical teenage rebellion mainstream. The 80s-90s have a host of movies about delaying adulthood even further through college and early 20s ("Animal House" 1978 through "Dazed and Confused" 1993, for instance).
The culture is now looking at the "Boomerang Generation" which seems to be delaying reaching manhood even further. (Boomerang since they left to college and boomeranged back to living with their parents).
The time from puberty (around 12ish) through the mid 20s is an extremely long time to leave boys on their own quest to manhood. Additionally, society doesn't know when a young adult male should be treated like a man since there is no formally recognized ritual passage. It is lose-lose for everyone.
Fatherhood and Raising Men
As a father to more than 0 boys, this question has been renewed and is front of mind - when and how do I show they entered manhood?
Answering this critical question is difficult when you never were told when you reached manhood. This is especially true if you came from a broken home or single-mother household. You didn't get the experience of seeing that hand-off from your own father. Even if you had a very flawed father, you would have seen what he did that didn't work. It leaves you with a lot of uncertainty on how to transition your own sons from childhood to being a man.
2 sons of an alcoholic, abusive, philanderer of a father. One grew up to be a great, pious, and successful man. The other an alcoholic, abusive, philanderer.
When asked why they turned out as they did, both would answer "Because of my father"
Proposal for all Men with Young Boys in their Circle
Please have some formal event for these boys to let them know they are men.
Most rituals involve some form of:
A purposeful departure and separation from women and other children
A gathering of high-value men
Travel to a neutral place preferably in nature
Some sort of physical and mental task
A serious conversation from the men about what being a man means
Being given a talisman, marking, tool, etc to represent the growth
A moment where the threshold is crossed and the boy is considered a man
A celebration of the newfound manhood
Finally, once the new man is reintegrated back into society, there needs to be acknowledgement from those around you. This may be the hardest piece for the adults, as you need to allow the new man to actually be treated like a man. If you go through this big ritual and then immediately relapse into old habits of treating your son as a boy again, it would all be for nothing. This goes for you immediate circle of family and friends. They need to treat him as an equal after the ceremony.
Atomic Dog describes something very similar to the above. You gather a group of high-value males (father, uncles, grandpas, successful friends, etc). You go out into the woods for camping. The boy needs to do tasks - maybe chop a tree down and into firewood, catch dinner, start a fire, etc. Around the campfire the high-value men each take turns describing what being a man means. At then end hand over a talisman as a reminder of the event. Then you let the boy know he is in the inner circle. Things discussed are for men and don't leave the circle. You share stories openly and heartily. You should allow him to share stories without judgement. He is now a man, and treated like one.
Wrapping Up - Manhood Rituals are Part of the Solution
If you have a rite of passage into manhood for your son, it will be a great moment in his life. Your son will feel the relief from removing the uncertainty of manhood. He will be viewed as a man and know he needs to act in the way his elders described during the ritual.
Obviously one night is not sufficient to raise a high-value man. However, this is only one part of helping our sons define themselves. If we start reincorporating these rites of passage, we will move a step closer to reinstating strong, positive, high-value men.
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